Wow, it's been a while since I've added to this blog. OK. So, here's the update. I have given up on the "love of my life." He's a complete asshole. He ditched me on my fucking birthday weekend for another chick. He's lucky she's cute. If she was ugly, I would raise Hell. However, she is very ordinary looking. There's just nothing special about her. She looks like every other white girl....

That's the end of him. Fucker.

I'm dating a new guy. He's super cute. He has an amazing smile and incredible lips. Just a playtoy for now. Younger than me....a lovesick puppy. He's just a cutie.

The family drama is reaching an all-time maximum. My brother hasn't really spoken to the family in a year and a half. This is all because I basically told his girlfriend to shut the fuck up when she was pissing me off. Anyway, they're assholes, and my mom wants to confront them and get her damn diamond ring back from that bitch! That's the only reason I want to go over there. She wants to ambush them. I'm all for it. My brother is such a dickhead. His girlfriend is such a crazy ass bitch. It works out nicely. We get to cuss them out, then take the fucking ring. It's going to be amazing. What fucking idiots. They aren't inviting any of the family to their wedding. July 12th. They didn't even invite my Dad. He GAVE them nice ass living room furniture. He helped them with their bills, and they aren't inviting him to their wedding. Assholes. They only invited my mom and her fiance. They won't invite me or my sister. That's fucked up. My mom won't go unless we're invited. Basically, none of the family will be there. Fuck them. Those weird ass, ungrateful bastards.

May is the BEST Month out of the Year.

Yes, it's true. May kicks ass. The weather is perfect. It's not too hot, not too cold. All the pretty flowers and shit are in bloom. It's the month right before summer officially starts. May fucking kicks ass. Plus, I was born in May. Yet another reason why it is amazing. This year, I'm going on my very first cruise...in May. How freaking sweet is that?? I'm pumped.

Relationships Don't Work.

I'm convinced that relationsips don't work. I've never had a successful relationship. My first real boyfriend was in high school. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He was controlling and just downright crazy. He took my virginity and told me he was also a virgin. Turns out he wasn't, and everybody knew about it except for me. He cheated on me during our entire 3 year relationship. He sucks.

My next serious boyfriend was in college. Yeah, that was a joke. He was ashamed of me. Most of his friends didn't even know we were dating...for 2 years. He never wanted me to hang out with him and his friends. He never complimented me. Eventually, he would never be "intimate" with me. Then, he cheated on me while I was out of the country, waited to break up with me until I got back in the US, and started dating the girl he was cheating with. They are still together... He also sucks.

My latest "relationship"- if you could even call it that- is quickly crumpling. We were formally boyfriend-girlfriend for about 3 months. Then, he broke up with me. But, we still talked, dated, whatever. Now, I'm just completely sick of him. I never see him. He doesn't make time for me. He makes excuses why he can't hang out or why he doesn't call me back. He won't kiss me in public. He won't even fuck me anymore. It's very irritating. He's also very rude to me on the phone. He constantly gets an attitude with me and talks to me like I'm a damn idiot. I'm so sick of him. I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone that actually WANTS to spend time with me. Why should I be lonely every night? Why should I waste my time on someone that tells me he's too lazy to come over. What an asshole.

So, relationships don't work. I'm sick to death of this shit. I have a lot to offer. I deserve better than these dumasses. I just don't know why I put up with these guys for so long. It's irritating. I irritate myself. I hate how I let guys walk all over me. Damn. Maybe my realtionships don't work because of me, not because of them? I don't know. Lame.

I'm Totally Awesome.

Obvious sarcasm. I'm not that cool. Fortunately, I have been feeling better! Guess my new medicine is working. Sweet. I feel less anxious and way less stressed out. Only bad thing I've noticed is drowsiness. For a week or so I also experienced loss of appetite. That sucked. I was super hungry but couldn't eat. It made me nauseous to eat. Anyway, that's gone so I'm good.

Let's see...what else is going on? I really need to start working out so I'm more in shape for my cruise in May! i may be thin, but I'm definitely turning into a fat skinny person. That's no good. I need my little chicken legs to look better. A six-pack would be amazing too. I'm working on it...

My job annoys me. I'm a personal trainer which is cool. I really like most of my clients, but all the other bullshit of the gym is driving me nuts. I'm sick of these damn points we have to get. New member units and resigns. I hate that shit. Only thing I care about is training my people. Some of them I dread seeing. Some of them are freaking awesome! I like some of my clients more than my own mother. Sad, but true. My mom is a whole other bag of worms. I enjoy my job. I like it way more than a desk job I could be stuck at. At least I get to wear sneakers and sweatpants everyday. It's also very flexible. I get to make my own schedule...kind of. It sucks when people cancel. It sucks when they're late. Basically, most people that come in that gym have no desire to work out. They only do it because they think they have to. Society keeps telling them they have to be skinny. Obviously, most people do need to work out. But, I wish pepole would understand how hard it is to lose weight. It doesn't take one week people!

Anyway, that's my rant for the day...

The Joys of Sunday

I love Sundays. It is the only day during the week that I do NOT have to work. I get to sleep in and most importantly....I get to watch Lifetime Movies all day. Oh how I love some Lifetime movies. They are so amazing. The acting, not so great. The stories, also not so great. However, I just cannot get enough of them! Sundays are also great for my aunt´s delicious home cooking. She is by far the most amazing cook ever. Tonight, we are having breakfast for dinner. Pancakes, eggs, ham, and other yummy morsels. Who doesn´t love breakfast. I sure do.

Stress and Hormones

I haven't exactly been feeling great lately. I've been lethargic, nauseous, dizzy, having continuous headaches, and so on. For a couple of days, I was afraid I was pregnant. Eek! So, I went to the good ol doctor today. I'm not pregnant. Phew! But, a combination of stress and weird hormonal rages are making me feel like shit. I never thought this day would come, but starting now I have been instructed to take anti depressants. I am not exactly thrilled about this. With an extensive background in psychology, I always thought I was immune to this kind of thing. Depression? Not me. Until now. It's annoying. This sounds weird, but I feel like I'm too smart for depression! I should be able to snap out of my rut...on my own...no drugs. Right? Well, apparently not. Guess I'll give this medicine thing a try and see how it goes. Maybe it will help. Hopefully it will help. Honestly, I'm just worried about the side effects. Then again, most of the side effects are the same as the symptoms I am experiencing now. Hmm. Interesting. Well, here it goes...MORE SEROTONIN PLEASE!

Random Social Comments...and by Social I Mean TV Related

You know what absolutely kills me? Celebrity dating shows. I can't get enough of them, but they are so incredibly ridiculous. And, there's always a SECOND one. Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love 2........Flavor of Love 3. Yeah. It's time to give up. Now, there's Rock Of Love 2. I Love New York did 2 shows. I mean, let's be real here folks. It's all the same skanks and weirdos. The only people that try out for shows like that are the people that want to be on TV. They don't give a shit about Flav or Bret Michaels or whoever else. Seriously. There's always drama. The contestants always fight with each other. It's amazing but sad all at the same time. People in this country are so fucked up.

Which brings me to my next subject. Paris Hilton. I can't stand that stupid bitch. She is worthless. Well, technically she is worth a whole lot...of money that is. She brings nothing good to society. She's a HORRIBLE role model for young girls. I mean, I've made some bad decisions and had some drunken nights, but I'm not a celebrity on the front pages of magazines everyday. What does she do? She sits around and says "that's hot." Seriously , she's terrible. She never has anything to say that's actually interesting. To top it all off, she's ugly. She looks like a skeleton. What's so great about being so skinny? It's ugly. Having no ass is UGLY. I would LOVE to fight her. I would just knock the shit out of her, and it would feel sooooo good!

Stressin bout grad school

I'm a recent college graduate but want to continue my education. I graduated in May 2007, so I definitely want to take some time off before hitting the books again. However, after only 8 months I'm itching to move on from my already boring existence. I just get restless! I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I couldn't wait to get out of college. Now, I can't wait to move on to something else.... I'm doing the whole job thing now, and it's already wicked boring. I mean, my job is better than a regular desk job, but I'm still restless. So, I've been looking into grad schools. I don't want to go very far away, but unfortunately I'm limited in the schools I can choose from. I want to be a sex therapist. Considering we live in a relatively conservative country- with the occasional liberal crusaders- there are a limited number of schools with sex therapy as a main course of study. I'm going next weekend to University of Georgia. That's the closest school, but it has the least extensive program. I'm also visiting UCLA in April. It would be awesome to live in LA, but I don't really want to be that far away from my family. UCLA has a better program.... The other choices are NYU, Univ of Indiana, and a couple of others that I'm completely not interested in. I'm not exactly a big city type of person. So, I'm pretty much screwed. I have to either change my focus or suck it up and move to LA. Hmm...what should I do?

Other stress...I have to take the GRE. Eww. I just bought a study book, and I'm dreading it but kind of excited as well. I'm such a nerd. I like to study. I like to learn. I'm a geek. So, that's that. I don't want to study for it or take it, but i do.

The first post...beginning of the end.

I'm brand new to this blogging thing so bear with me. Basically, I like to journal on my computer- especially when I'm stressed out or having a lot going on in my life. I kind of thought blogging might be the next step. This way I could get feedback on some of my thoughts. Maybe other people are feeling the same things as I am. I mean, I know I'm not alone in my daily struggles and frustrations, but this will hopefully help to reassure me. I'm just going to dive right in to my drama...

What I've been dealing with for the past few months is what I like to call my "man troubles." I have been dating this guy since August 2007. He's amazing. He's good-looking, funny, honest, sincere, witty...and on and on. The first 3 months were INCREDIBLE. We saw each other every single day. We spoke on the phone whenever we weren't together. It was just great. Then, he dropped a bomb on me...he dumped me. When i say that, I mean he said we were "broken up" but nothing really changed. He said he needs to accomplish some things in his life and feels he doesn't have enough time to dedicate to a serious relationship at this time. Neither one of us are dating other people, "we" (I mean he) just say that we're friends. I still tell people he's my boyfriend since he's the only man I talk to everyday, spend time with, and sleep with...catch my drift? Basically, we just started to spend less time together. That happened in November. So, for about 4 months, I've been going through the ups and downs of a man that isn't really sure what he wants. Basically, he's up and down and up and down. From day to day, I'm not sure what to expect. One day he's all about me, the next day, I barely hear from him. It's very frustrating. Through all of this, I have told him that I will be there for him...I will wait for him...I love him. The whole nine yards....

I know you're thinking I sound pathetic, but I can't really help it. Love just really gets me. He just really gets me. I wouldn't be doing all this if I didn't think he was THE ONE! Sounds corny, but I do believe that.

So, the current deal is this...he's on a down. Last week, he was up. Last week, he called me a lot, called me "baby" like he usually does, and basically just made an effort. This week...not so much. I've barely heard from him. He doesn't really answer my calls. He just can't really be bothered. It's SO weird. I don't understand it. I honestly believe he's not seeing anyone else. He's just no that type of guy. I really do believe that he loves me as much as I love him. It's just that in his mind, nothing is different. When I point out things like this- things like him not calling or hanging out or whatever- he acts like I'm crazy. He acts like "what? I'm not doing anything." It makes no sense to me.

I think that maybe as a woman, I will never fully understand men. Honestly, I like to think I'm down to earth. I'm not high maintenance by any means. I think I give him enough space so he won't feel smothered. I know that if I call him and he doesn't answer or call back, that he's either busy or doesn't want to talk to me. I'm not the type to call 834577 times. I don't think I overreact to things. If I have a question, I ask. I hate drama. So, I don't really know what to do. He's very confusing.

Let's see if I hear from him tonight.......